Kathy Bates

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Dear Kathy:

I am the parent of a 14-year-old daughter, Ginny, who has a mild intellectual disability and wants to attend the local middle schools Valentines Day dance. My husband and I think its wonderful she wants to go to this annual social event, but we are a little concerned about how it will go.

Ginny is in the ski club where she has made a few friends, and Peter is a boy who is in her grade. Peter and Ginny get to see each other during lunch and a few classes. Most of the time they spend together is during ski club. She would really love to ask him to the upcoming dance but is unsure how to ask him.

Ginny feels determined to make this work in her favor but is feeling a bit nervous about how the dance might go. I want to see our daughter succeed in this adventure, but I want to be there for her should she not. What advice can you offer for either situation?

Thank you,

A Hopeful Mom


Dear Hopeful Mom,

I think it’s wonderful that Ginny has an opportunity to participate in extracurricular activities and hang out with friends outside of school. This is a valuable time for her to learn important social skills and grow from her experiences.  And we all know how important that need is to fit in.

As parents, I know that you probably want to shield Ginny from hurt or embarrassment.  But you can’t be there all the time. That’s just not the way life works. I think it’s great that Ginny has enough confidence to consider the possibility of having a date for the Valentine’s Dance.  Everyone should have the right to take risks. If we never failed, we wouldn’t understand success, and it would amount to nothing.

So, if you are really worried about how Ginny would react if Peter turned her down, then maybe some role-playing could help.  Of course, Ginny would play herself and she could practice how she plans to ask Peter to the dance. Then, Dad could play the role of Peter and help Ginny practice what to say, depending on how Peter responds to her request. However, Ginny may not feel comfortable role-playing with her parents.  She might feel more comfortable with a cousin or close friend that she trusts. Ginny knows there is a possibility that Peter could say no.  If he says no, she must understand that they can still be friends. She should be reassured and reminded that no matter what happens, she can still go to the dance, strut her stuff, and have fun with her friends.

Happy Valentine's Day.